22

to me:
brian jones
82.08.25 -

here i
am, growing
two minds
out of
one heart--
for dreams
and for
hell. i
am none
the wiser
of which
fits me
best, yet
death will
wear both
well, be
it soon
or late(r).

i prefer
the latter?

ocean breeze

i live for it. it is what i come to the beach for...of course i love the feeling of sand between my toes and the rush of water against my legs, but what i love most, even more than the ocean breeze-- the sunrise. it could mark the beginning of a new day, a new life, new moments. when i go to watch it, almost no one is around and it is the closest to silence my mind ever is. everything is clear.

if only i could take this calmness of spirit back to dc with me...maybe then i could be still long enough to be.

up all night

this will be a hard routine to break, especially since i don't have a reason to now. i head out for va beach in a few hours. hopefully there will be plenty of lively "new" people in the area to meet and party with. this trip will mark the end of my summer and the beginning of ? i am taking poetry books with me as well as a pad and pen so that i may create, create, create. mfa here i come!

va beach

So the family is leaving for Va Beach tomorrow. Dad and Brandon are coming back on Monday so he can prepare to go off to Haverford on Wednesday, which happens to coincide with my birthday. Dad says that the Volvo won't make it to Va Beach but I'm going to try to get it down there anyway. The plan is to take the weekend and get my resume and grad apps together (at least get my list of schools together). My writing is sporadic and that bothers me. I need silence, no background. I need life around me to stop so I can concentrate. I need to step out of myself. I need...

counting pennies

A few days ago, I stopped at a gas station to pick up some snacks. A man was near the entrance on the curb counting one-by-one pennies, hundreds of them. He walked into the store a few moments after I did, asking for five books of matches. He then took a lighter and lit all five books at once. It was all to smoke out of a pipe of some kind. I just kept thinking, if I counted my money as carefully as he did those pennies, maybe then I wouldn't be as broke as I am.

wasting away

i did not get out of bed until 4 pm today. how do i plan to get a job if i continue on like this? the summer is over. so now i am officially a useless fuck. i am going to go listen to beck and ponder ending my predictable life.

chain smoking

Shelita and I went to Safiya's again tonight. I didn't get in until 5 ish, which explains the time of this post. Between the houka and the Newports I've been slow burning of late, I've done more than my share of inhaling. Every now and then I peek at the Surgeon General's Warning on the side of the pack to remind myself how detrimental my actions for the past year have been to my health. I tell myself I'm just being 21...letting it all hang out. I wonder what I'll say when I'm 22 and still hold a lighter in my hand.