i left a 40 oz in the car...

i realize that drinking and driving don't mix and no i don't need a commercial to tell me that--i needed my father to. he sat me down tonightand told me about the history of alcoholism in our family. he told me that i needed to check my habits. i've realized that it isn't my father's words so much that have such a profound impact on me; he is not the first to talk to me about my smoking and drinking habits. it is the fact that my father is the person speaking. i have been in a mental rut for a long time now, one that has hindered my progress toward any of the goals i've set for my life, but honestly sometimes i just don't care about any of that-- the search for a job, the search for a school, peace of mind, family issues, relationship issues, and life in general. alcohol has been an accessory to my carelessness, a way to forget responsibility, to drown in the feelings of hopelessness that find me even in my soberness. it is true that there is plenty of light in my life, plenty of reason to succeed and to want to. but the darkness, the silence i find myself searching for at night, the solitude, where i speak to myself--this darkness haunts me, makes the light easy to push away, but it is impossible to forget. to forget the dreams i stand on are not only mine, but my father, my mother, my brothers, my extended family. i am finding it difficult to find a balance or in the words of yusef komunyakaa, apologize for the eyes in my head. i think that most of the time they see much more than those on my face...and i struggle with those visions as they struggle with me.