love letter #1

Dear You,

oh me. they are paying me now for the trangressions i have forced upon my heart and your name. my love, i never planned to make a career out of streaming tears and untempered longing but even after you left i could still smell you, hear your breathing next to mine as i slept. there is a place for you here with me and now i understand that no one is coming to fill this empty space, this outline hollow with heartbreak. nowadays, i spend most of my mornings and afternoons writing blueprints for grief and building winding stairwells to glass ceilings of desire. i can see heaven, sometimes, in old pictures of you, just underneath the glint of the sun but the cloak of hades rides low on the curtains after sunset, so during the evening hours my head is bowed and my body still. i allow the darkness of passing time, all time after you, darkness, to consume me. the world cannot be turning for everyday feels the same. funny, how i quit smoking while perfecting the art of drinking. for every shot i take, i take two for you baby. for every full moon, i carve your name in my arm. for every couple i see in the lonely streets, i blow a kiss in the direction the wind moves, hoping it will reach you. my life has paused and is waiting for you to come back and play. i lie in wait.

with all that i am,
me.