there is no easy way to fix love.

there is no easy way to fix love
your heart, a puzzle i'd solved
only to drop it to the floor, more
pieces than i can account for

on this day. i'm sure some will be
lost forever, but you're still here
waiting for me to decipher the space
between trust and mistrust, love

and pride. i don't know the distance,
but your body questions my need to
answer through silence and tears, the
absence of your touch, a hollowness

palpable and sincere. i find every moment
near you a blessing, rebirth, yet you
say i love you less, judge me unknowingly
with unblinking eyes- the moments i stole

away some morning, afternoon, night
while you waited for me to return.
i believe you need me to feel that pain,
guilt, regret a little longer.

you need me to understand that
the pieces of you that i lost
must be found for you to love me
as you want to, as you did, before.

don't you?

"I miss the way we were"

She denied my touch two nights ago, physically removing my hand from her. I tried to remember a time that I'd felt rejected by her and of course I couldn't. A snapshot of where things are, a cold bed on a warm summer's night. I hear heavy breathing and assume she's pleasuring herself. For a moment, I'm angered, then dejection, then reflection, then listening to the sounds of cars drive by the window and the hum of the fan. I yearn for her touch silently, a fingertip, her breath against my chest, but she's asleep and my mind tosses and turns for an hour as I wonder what I've really lost and if there is any time left to gain. It's me and all my faults and I'd like to believe I can right the wrongs of the past, that things can be better than they ever were, but just as she is not so sure of the fate of us, I'm not so sure I deserve the chance to. But who am I to fault my love for shielding herself against the pain of someone that has so many times before professed an undying love, only to recoil into the arms of another? I won't give up though, only if she says she wants me to go. I'll have to be more of a man than I've ever been and let her be. I just hope that missing the way we were is enough to continue to build on the way we will be, together.

basement

cold carpet
dust-ridden fan
eyes full of poems
football comforters
african posters
uptown saturday night
groove
blues
dirty clothes
clean clothes
lighter
cologne
obsolete computer
records
cassettes
tv
music
dull light
footsteps
on the ceiling
haven
prison
bed
home
sleep

how far we have to go

It was one of the most fulfilling,
fun, entertaining weekends I've had
with her in the longest time.

A three-day weekend at that.

On Sunday, she said "I don't know
if I can trust you again" and then
I knew how it felt to share so

many happy moments together (be it only
three days vs. 8-9 months) and
at the end find those moments tarnished.
Not that I felt betrayed by her b/c
I didn't. It just hurt to know that b/c
of what I did, happiness with her
may never be the same. There will always
be question marks here and there where
there was just "us".

sidenote: I lost my smartrip card or someone
moved it. 40$ is gone...the rest of the month
on the metro, gone. And after just mini-lecturing
alana on where to place it so it won't be misplaced.
just when i had hope that monday could be a good day...
i lose 40$. fuck, me.



to everyone: i'm emotionally unavailable until
further notice.

a lonely 4th

is what i deserve (im thinking)
as i traverse an open field
of gun powder
smelling her
through my skin
the lights were bright
my heart was dull with guilt
liquor is not my friend
i took the last bus home
2 am
woke up with gum
on my neck
maybe someone spit on me
i wonder if i had been awake/
would it have mattered
liquor is not my friend
voices of disappointment
ring in my ears
i'm afraid of silent rooms
of windows
some couple kissing
as the sky exploded
i watch them,
dreaming of lips
so sweet they linger
in the air of memory

what i had
what i gave away

alcohol

you believe in me
even when i don't believe
in myself

and unlike my true love
there is no judgment
in your caress

come down on me at once
old muse, your kiss
a hypnotic afterlife

cinders burning
the edges of an undug
grave

i watched her body...

how delicate the night runs along
the windowsill and I want to take her
in my arms, as I've done so many nights
before, but the morning has never
judged me as it does now. Am I ready?
to leave, to really walk away, could
ever be, never, no, not that, her scent
follows me wherever i go, other women
smell like her passing by me on the way
to work. Is this what I have to look
forward to? No other could fill her shoes/
I sit silent/cement in my throat
she's not angry, this makes it harder
to walk away and when i do i walk through
the door and back into her arms - no exit,
some movie where dreams and reality
mold into one, nothing in my life is
as real as she, yet i am not ready
either way i'm unfit/ love so deep
i find it hard to breathe

one day it'll all make sense

...under a canopy of parliament light exhalations
windows open, eyes closed, fingers parted our love
collapses in on itself, the box we're trapped in and can't
get out of, little room for reason, and logic sits outside
the window, he missed the party...you, rose, i steal another
petal from your stem we are not yet so antiquated are we
no not at all and i'm begging my mind to put the pieces together
to fit all the happiness it can into the puzzle of my dreams
as the madness exits out the back door, leaving room for
us, the dreams we have, together. so i step back and watch you
resting your eyes on the night in amazement that after all
this time, even silence can lead me back to you, but there's so
much noise around...

work in progress.

no room for indecision

i slept on a bed of thorns and watched my rose in bloom, struck by moonlight tears escaped its center and i bled old wounds all night...

in the morning i felt no deliverance from the now recurring nightmare that is my life...

i wanted her to know

that love is forever

where i stand


am i leaving for me or for her?


how selfish of me to shun love



here i go again embracing all the jazz and blues of rain.


i've been here before...again.