back to black.

We made love twice last night, listened to Robin Thicke, Doves, Dido, and various artists. lit candles, drank vodka, smoked cigarettes...I caressed her locks, took deep breaths as I swam in her gaze, speechlessly, evoking "what's up" from her lips. There was a calm in her presence I hadn't felt in a while. I sometimes feel I've grown too accustomed to waking up next to her in the morning, her forehead kisses, the constant affirmation of "I love you". I can't remember when she hasn't told me that. I'm spoiled, yet torn.

A few nights ago she said "I'm getting the marriage itch"..."just putting it out there". We're on different timelines. I'm not ready for co-habitation even though we live together and now she's mentioning marriage as if it were on the horizon? should I be ready? I'm staring over the edge. Being single is fun for about this long *holds up thumb and pointer finger* I didn't say anything. I stared speechless. 25 is a benchmark for her. Like it's all downhill.

I haven't thought about it much actually. -me

Well, I'm just putting it out there. -her

Ok. -me

end of conversation

I'm an indecisive dreamer. A hopeful (after years of hopeless dread) romantic, an idealist, a loner and a lover. I'm selfless yet stubborn, faithful? I don't know what lies around the next bend , I just know I'm ok with not knowing. I'm not ready to plan out the next ten years of my life. I don't want any more boundaries on what I can do, who I can see, how long I can stay. I don't want this to be the end of the road for us but I don't want to drive by any more exits wondering where those roads may lead, taking my hands off the wheel and endangering the life of my only passenger.

A decision must be made...soon.